Death of a parent

So many kids movies deal with the loss of a parent

This article talks all about it:

http://mentalfloss.com/…/59…/27-motherless-disney-characters

After watching the movie Finding Dory (in which Dory loses and tries to find her parents), any time my daughter sees a sad character on tv she turns to me and asks if they want their mommy. Even when our cat comes in meowing she says he is sad cause he wants his mommy.

I remember feeling the same way when I was young, and crying myself to sleep many-a-night in primary school because I was afraid of loosing my mom.

Is this a legitimate worry/phase all kids go through or is it exacerbated in some kids by tv? Is Hollywood making money off of pulling our kids heart strings at an age when they cannot emotional process what this all means? You can't tell me Hollywood has the best interest of our kids at the forefront of their business model?

In our family we will try stick with Minions for as long as we can. There is death in Minion movies but a dinosaur falling off a cliff into a fiery pit doesn't seem too bad. Even Despicable Me has orphans!!! My psychologist recommend only showing kids movies where parents die after the age on 9.

Breastfeeding

My cousin and I gave birth two months apart and we both agreed that everyone lies about breastfeeding. They say if it hurts you are doing it wrong. But it will hurt the first few days. If it's still hurting after a week or so then get hold of a lactation consultant. I was sore the first few days cause Beth was sucking hard to get the collostrum out cause its thick. Once my normal milk came in after two or three days it is more runny so she didn't have to suck as hard and it wasn't sore. If they get cracked you can put nipple cream on or coconut oil.

The next thing no one really emphasises is how sore it can be when "your milk comes in". Literally after the first two or three days the collostrum dissapears and the proper milk starts...And your breasts become very full! So full it hurts! And you feel a bit helpless.

The easy solution would have been to use a breastpump to release the pressure but
I had been reading a lot of natural baby literature that said you shouldn't use a breast pump before 6 weeks cause it can mess up your milk supply. You should rather wait for your milk supply to become established.

I have since realised this is nonsense cause milk supply can be so random anyway (affected by sleep and whether you took your vitamin supplement or not etc), and secondly who cares if you have too much milk (becaused by pumping), that is a blessing! You can just freeze the excess.

So I was left standing in a shower self expressing (as shown on YouTube) because I was convinced that wouldn't mess up my milk supply), storing cabbage leaves in the fridge in case I got mastitis (from a blocked milk duct).

I should have just pumped and then would have realised what I realised 6 weeks later...that I didn't have enough milk anyway! But thankfully there was brewers yeast for that!

Food intolerance

If you suspect your little one has food problems then you should think about starting an exclusion diet for them and for you if you are still breastfeeding.

Also, here is the food table, with for example butter having the least dairy and milk the most: http://intolerantoffspring.com/tips-and-tidbits/joneja-allergen-chart.html

Some extra tips
1. Start by going off dairy and if that doesn't help try soya, gluten, egg and peanuts
2. Go off it for two weeks and then see if you notice a difference
3. After 2 weeks reintroduce a small amount of the food. If the little one reacts then stop (can take up to 24 hrs to react). If they don't react then try the food for 2 more days to make sure they don't react.  Don't change anything else about your diet or theirs for those 3 days or else you won't know what caused a reaction.
4. Dairy intolerance and lactose intolerance are different. All breast milk contains lactose (carbohydrate sugar), so if your baby is lactose intolerant they would have to go on to formula. A dairy intolerance means you can't process casein and whey, the proteins in dairy. These products are some times in food and listed as casein and whey, not dairy, so just be careful
5. There is a difference between an allergy and intolerance. An allergy can be very severe and can be determined from a skin prick test. An intolerance isn't severe and can result in eczema, bloating, gas etc. There is a blood test for these but they are a few thousand and can only be done after 18 months
6. Keeping a good journal can help

Sleep training - night time

I put this off for 4 months (they say you should sleep train from 6 months) until my husband collected up a blanket and went to sleep in the lounge (and I hadn't slept well for a week and a half). I was pretty convinced the wriggling and jiggling at night was no longer her tummy (though now I'm not sure). So at 3:30 am after my husband had gone to the lounge it began...And ended a semi disaster with my little one asleep in my arms at 5:30.

I have come to realise that sleep training is ready about a battle of wills. We had success at it during the day and it is such a pleasure now to put my little one down in her cot during the day drowsy and she goes to sleep by herself. But we still aren't there during the night.

My suggestions:
1. Only try this when little one is well...in retrospect my little one had been miserable for two days, so it was probably a bad idea
2. Get the other spouse to sleep in another room so you aren't worrying about them
3. Singing a song constantly. It helps keep you sane and let's baby know you are there when they don't want you touching them. Hopefully baby still come to know this song and associate it with sleep time
4. Pick up baby if they get absolutely hysterical...that is where we were at 5am, and she just wouldn't settle, and there were barely any gaps between the cries. I probably should have picked her up sooner
5. My little one doesn't like to be touched when she is upset...So I try not to get in her space...hence the song. Initially before she got too upset I would stroke her, or gently tap her, or just have the weight of my hand on her chest
6. Initially she kept trying to get up. Instead of putting her back down by picking her up by her arms, I instead rotated her bum. This made sure I didn't confuse her cause she might have thought I was gonna pick her up, which would have disappointed her and lead to more crying.

The thing I struggle with with sleep training is...If little one cries for an hour and half before falling asleep...then that is effectively the same amount of time as if I had just got up and played with her to make her tired, saving us a lot of tears. But I suppose the whole idea is that they are learning to put themselves to sleep, not you soothing them to sleep.

Postnatal Info Brochure

This is a link to a brochure I got from my hospital/clinic when I left with my newborn

Pg 1
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B9In9AOnWyDRX2NMY2kzQmszdDg
Pg 2
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B9In9AOnWyDRWW5CRmZTSW41Rjg

Announcing I was pregnant

I had just finished my PhD so I was tired of people asking me "how's it going?"people. So I didn't want to add being pregnant to a new list of questions. And my husband and I were enjoying having the secret to ourselves. As a result we only announced the pregnancy around 4 months.

I was also putting it off because I was trying to get a job, a postdoc. Everyone told me they couldn't not hire me because I was pregnant. But I just felt guilty because my boss-to-be was a friend and really helping me out by motivating for the position. I felt like I was letting him down because I was going to be less productive then I could have been once I had the little one.

Well, I put it off and put it off...And worried and worried...And it was all not worth it. When I finally told the head of school, my PhD supervisor and boss-to-be they were nothing but happy and supportive. Looking back now I don't know why I worried.

I think part of me felt weak for wanting something so "girly" in a field where careers and field work and papers and discoveries, and not family are the focus. But everyone has been so welcoming to this new little member of our geophysics family.

Being a woman in science

There are pros and cons to this.

The con is that a surprisingly few number of geoscience women have kids. So many are surprised to hear you want kids. This added to my awkwardness when I had to announce I was pregnant. But that all fell awake when my announcement was met with nothing but joy. It made my first visit to the department an interesting one though when my little one was 6 weeks. The majority of the scientists were too scared to hold her for fear of breaking her! It was the admin staff, students with younger siblings and the few staff with kids who ventured closer.

The pro was that so many women leave the field of science when they have a family, that universities are trying really hard to he accommodating. My PhD supervisor, my host and the head of my department were phenomenal. They never made me feel guilty, and even were ok with my 9 month old coming to meetings and making noise. I can never thank them enough.

Being a working mom

Don't get me wrong, by no stretch of the imagination was I a proper 9-5 working mom. But I got a small taste of what it must be like. And I no longer judge mom's who choose nannies and formula.

Everyone talks about the guilt of being a working mom. Guilt that you are leaving your child, but knowing you need the job to provide for the family. I had the other type of guilt. Because I had the most amazing boss in the world and could work from home I had the guilt that I wasn't working enough! Especially after having done an MSc and PhD where all you learn is to feel guilty that you aren't working hard enough.

I must admit I was excited for.my.little one to start daycare because she loves time with other kids. Though I admit I realised I loved watching her with other kids even more...which you don't see at all when they are at daycare! You just see the tears at either end, at the drop off and tears of relief at the pick up. Probably not a wise thing to have started daycare during the 8/9 month separation anxiety phase!

Putting baby to sleep

I have a weak back and so I didn't want to have to walk or rock my little one to sleep. As a result every time she fell asleep was on my boob with me lying on the bed. This obviously made it difficult for others to put her to sleep! But they eventually managed (in grannys arms; being pushed in a pram with a bottle by aunty; on the bed with a bottle by daddy). Maybe I was too lazy, but it was just so darn convenient and so little effort. And trust me...when you are having to do it at least 3 or 4 times a day for several months, convenience becomes important.

All the books say put them to sleep while they are still awake so they learn to fall asleep unassisted

Lies!!!!

The slightest motion or change in pressure and my little one often would wake screaming. Be it teething or a sore tummy or just a light sleeper, nothing I did made a difference. Some days I gave up after 5 or 10 tries and just let her sleep on me or next to me. It was just not worth the frustration.

Often I got cross at this point as I reminded myself that "everyone says I must put her in the cot"! Then I had to remind myself that everyone wasn't here dealing with this situation and I went a bit easier on myself.

I must admit that she stopped being such a "picky sleeper" once we did a bit of sleep training. I could finally put her in the cot, have her wake and look at me, and then go back to sleep without crying. Though it did take her crying twice for an hour and 45 min to reach this point. And then she caught a cold and we were back to square one and I didn't have the heart to sleep train again.

Update:

I wrote the above blurb when my daughter was less than a year, and she is now about to turn 3. With a bit of hindsight I can say:

- if I could go back I would not sleep train

- if I could go back I would have never tried to put her in a cot

My daughter is the type of kid that just needs love, love and more love and affection. If you try and maker her do what you want and leave her to cry, trust me, she will not stop crying until you give up and give in to her. Give her love and support and listen to her and she will flourish and do what you want in the end (with a bit of bribery).

I only stopped breast feeding her at 23 months, and that was because she was finally ready to stop. I was ready at 12 months, if not earlier.

She continued to sleep on top or next to me most nights, waking throughout the night for bottle. I think it is because of her sensory issues and she wasnt really wanting bottle but the assurance mom was still there.

At 2 and a half years we stayed in an airbnb where she had her own room and she loved it! (Even though I slept on the bed with her). Ever since then we have carved out a corner in our room for her as her room. She barely comes to our bed now. Unfortunately though, almost every morning I land up on the bean bag next to her bed as she is a very light sleeper from 4am. Initially I would have her on top of me every morning, now she may come for a few minutes and then retreat to her bed.

All of this is proof that love and tenderness and not strictness and rules can result in a happy, confident kid.

And while I don't miss her on top of me all night long, I kinda do. And I treasure the moments when I see the dark, small figure launching off her bed onto me on the bean bag at 4am.

Expressing

I am sorry, but I no longer think there is any logic to breastfeeding and milk production

When it comes to expressing they say pump more and you will produce more. I say pump more and you will land up with a despondent mom who has spent the last 20 minutes not relaxing as she should have been, with only 20 ml of milk to show for it.

If your kid is anything like mine, she drinks double what I could express. I would come home after an afternoon meeting and time away from her...pump...and get minimal milk. The only way I retained my sanity was to feed her once I got home (goodbye whatever milk was left) and then wait for the night...

Babies in general eat less at night (though they like to wake you up all the time to feed!), so I would feed her off of one boob and "keep" the other boob. Then in the morning it was rock hard with milk and I would quickly get 150 ml.

I had to carefully time this morning pump so thatI still had enough milk to get her back to sleep for her mid morning nap
and as she got older she realised I was "stealing" her milk. She would get very upset and insist on feeding while I pumped (quite an arm full). So I had to make sure she was in a mood to entertain herself while I didn't these morning pumps.

I don't know how I would have done any of this if I had a 8-5 job. I really think the only way to survive as a working mom is breastfeed during maternity leave and then go on to formula.

Another common recommendation with breastfeeding is the more you drain a breast the more it fills up again...my "saving a boob" during a night goes against this logic but it is the only way I have found. I am just not patient enough to pump only 20 ml in 20 min, 5 times a day. Who had that sort of time?

Breastfeeding bras

Another thing that unnecessarily stressed me out!

They are ridiculously expensive so I didn't want to get the wrong size. My midwife said it could take up to 6 weeks after birth for your boobs to "reach their new normal". So I was prepared to wait! Which just.meant 6 weeks of admin with pre-baby bras!

A general rule of thumb is go.one size up. So I used to be a 36C and now am 38D. Although the 38 was a bit tight initially so I also got 40D but they feel a bit big (and the 38 stretched a bit and is now comfortable)

Having a newborn and visitors

I struggled with this in the beginning...

I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in front of people, so the first two weeks felt like a fine tuned tight rope walk...making sure Beth had slept and fed before people came to visit so they could get max time with her and I wouldn't have to leave the room after 5 minutes. It was exhausting and stressful

You have to realise if people see her for 5 minutes that is more then enough...and people in general are very understanding and don't expect more than that. Don't put the pressure on yourself

Teething

Ignore all the adverts or what friends say, Amber necklaces, Ashton and Parsons powder and prodol are not enough!

Just give your kid panado or better yet, empaped suppositories! Cause then you don't have to worry about them spitting it back up or being allergic to preservatives in panado

Bum rash - sensitive bums

1. Beth reacts to sudocrem...literally resulted in a luminous red bum! Had to use a steroid based cream to fix it (stop itch)

2. I was very happy when our pediatrician told us not to do an antibiotic cream

3. She recommended just an antifungal cream (nystasid). My sister recommended a cheaper antifungal cream (medaspor), but when I started seeing beth going a little bit more red I gave up on that one and went back to the pediatricians cream.

4. We are currently testing out whether corn starch helps. But I read somewhere you gotta be careful if it's a yeast infection, cause cornstarch will make it worse.

Well, that was a fail! Her bum was even reder after 30 min than before! Was it the corn (she seems to have a slight intolerance when she eats it) or just the powder rubbing her bum?

5. With a runny tummy I get so tired of wiping her red bum. I read that washing them with water and dissolved baking soda helps...so I do that...not sure if it makes a difference? But it is a good excuse to have to air dry afterwards, which also helps with the rash. It is difficult to keep a towel under her though when she is crawling :) so we have had a few mishaps on the carpet

Bamboo nappies

Don't
1. Use it before your kid starts solids. Otherwise their poos are so running you will spend ages scrubbing

Do
1. Have a wee and poo bucket
2. Put a few drops of tea tree oil in each to help the smell
3. Leave the poo nappies to soak overnight in water and with some green-bar sunlight soap
4. Wash them every two days

Benefits
Not sure the extra water used to clean them outweighs the negative landfill impact? But it is said material nappy baby's potty train quicker cause they are tired of being wet, and the thicker nappy helps them learn to sit easier. Though if you aware waiting for them to teacher solids then they will already be sitting.

things I enjoyed doing while pregnant

1. Going for walks, swimming and yoga

2. Keeping a written or audio journal

3. Meditating lots - not feeling guilty for relaxing

4. Writing a book for your daughter

5. Your husband making sketches or writing poems for your daughter

6. Making yourself a long pregnancy pillow

7. Chilling in the bath or shower with candles and incense

8. Rubbing your tummy with coconut oil after a bath/shower

9. Chilling on the bed when you get home from work and not feeling guilty you aren't making supper :)

The few things that weren't great:

1. Heartburn during a conference at week 5 (Sept 6th onward) which lead to hectic nausea. But once I got my small meals back and gavascon I was sorted. Some bad heartburn here and there at the start of the third trimester from eating rubbish.

2. Sore hips from lying on my side. Problem mostly solved by massaging with a tennis ball. Just uncomfortable lying on the floor with Beth pushing on my bowls

3. Dizzy when doing Sun Salute yoga routine during the first trimester

4. Relatively tired during the first trimester but nothing compared to gluten

5. Twice having terrible pain like a bad stitch in my lung cavity during the first trimester

6. My tummy feeling very full (especially if I over drank and ate at supper) resulting in me feeling claustrophobic

Antenatal classes

http://just-engage.com/

Yoga for pregnant ladies

Great 10 minute videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B87FpWtkIKA

Recommended books

DURING PREGNANCY

1. Healthy Pregnancy in a Box - Annie Lawler

By my third trimester I struggled to switch off and meditate, so this 30 minute medication helped. Maybe it was just your dad always distracting me and wanting to play :-)

2. What to expect when you are expecting

A good reference book

3. Hypnobirthing

A good book about natural child birthing. Nice CD to help meditate

4. Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives - Deepak Chopra

A very extensive good, but great to have a holistic look at birthing

5. Just-engage.com antenatal classes

Raising kids

1. Sleep sense and Baby sense

Some great info tables in the first on to guide new parents

2. How Eskimo's keep their baby warm - Mei-Ling Hopegood

A great look at how different cultures deal with babes…a great challenge to what you think is the norm

3. Brain Rules for Babies - John Medina

A bit more info then we expected, but some useful chapters